Welcome to my Tabula Rasa: Part 2

When I left, he said that the man in the turban had lied to me. That I simply did not love people as much as they love me, and that he was proof. There was his heart, and there was me, leaving it.

He said that my soul is only a butterfly because I fly away.

For months, I feared his face in every stranger. There were 65 missed calls on a friend’s cellphone. There was a 911 call to Los Angeles when I thought he might jump off a building. There were closed doors and opened doors and holiday cheer and new cities and new hands to hold, but my world was never silent enough, or warm enough or clear enough.

I wondered if a soul in flight was really no soul at all. I wondered if I was destined to fix people temporarily, to fill in their gaps with warmth, then break them into shattered ice. I wondered if he was right, and the man with the turban was wrong. I wondered if I would always leave with tears in my wake.

But after a while, rain fell on the sidewalk, washing the dirt into the gutter. After a while, I had written enough and spoken enough and cried enough that my own voice was a comfort. I began to feel my heart again, beating like it always does. 

I felt reborn in moments, smiling at strangers and holding doors, reading poems or just pausing to stare at the open sky. I realized that I did love hopelessly, endlessly, even without pouring it all into one person, without making them whole when they should be whole on their own. I love with every whisper and click of my heels. With every syllable, I love.

As I shed my skin, the clouds disappeared. I let my heart hurt. I let it break ten times a day. I built it up again even stronger.

So here I am. Not a clean slate, not a simple slate. A growing slate. One that loves with every inch of my soul, without destination, without a target.

I’m glad you’re here with me.

As more people enter my little slice of the internet, I feel the need to share some old posts that new readers should check out:

1. Keep The Change, You Filthy Animal

2. Slice.

3. C is for Cookie, Among Other Things

4. Romancing the Stone

5. That Stupid Ache

I also exist elsewhere on the internet:

In poetry form.
In 140 character semi-poetics.
In tumbling semi-poetics.

Additionally, if you haven't already, you should check out the blogs in my sidebar. They are all inspiring writers that keep me going everyday.

And lastly, I leave you with some Soul Meditations.

1. Womyn's Work by Mahina Movement.

If you're hungry for truth, press play on this one. Turn the lights out. Close your eyes and tune in. Then let me know what you think.

2. 4-5 (I Will Survive) by Ava Luna

I gave Ava Luna an award in The L 's Best of NY Issue. I still think it's insane they aren't ridiculously famous.

3. Little Girl Blue by Spiritchild

Spiritchild is one of my closest friends. Because how could someone who has musical conversations with Nina Simone not be one of my closest friends? We inspire each other, even during months when we don't speak, and I am sure that he will inspire you too.

Have a beautiful weekend,

Hannah Miet